Things no one tells you about having kids

Soon as you announce to the world you’re having a baby, people can’t wait to tell you about sleepless nights. The fact you’ll never drink a hot drink again.

But there are things no one tells you about having kids. Like the endless amount of times you’ll put the sofa cushions back on the sofa. The weird positions you’ll find yourself asleep in because you couldn’t possibly move the foot that’s on your face.

I’ve been thinking about the things no one told me about having kids.

So I thought I’d share them with you.

1. You’ll reset the sofa all day

At this point, I give up. I do it before lunch and before bed. Otherwise I’ll literally be doing it ALL day. Kids love sofa cushions. They love making bridges and pretending the floor is lava. Just be prepared for your living room to become soft play. EVEN if you tell yourself you’ll never do it. Because one day you’ll have an hour before bed and you’ll show them how the sofa cushions come off and that will be it. A world of possibility is open to them. I’ve still never told my girls we have a sofa bed. I don’t trust that it would every go back away.

2. You will sleep

You might sleep on someone’s floor, in bed with someone, with a child on top of you — but you will sleep. People love to tell you that you won’t, but you’ll work out a routine that gets you some shut eye. The health visitor said to me, no one cares how you sleep or where you sleep, as long as you’re getting some it doesn’t matter. Amen to that.

3. Your pockets will be full

Full of biscuits, gloves, biscuit crumbs, an orange, a nappy. You’ll be surprised how much you can shove in even the smallest of pockets.

4. Your car will be an absolute state

Honestly, it’s shameful. We clean ours a few times a month and still it’s a mess. We tried the no food rule, but it just results in lots of crying. The dried food is one problem, the other is the volume of stuff in the boot and footwells. Every time I go somewhere I’ll take coats etc, then when I get out I’ll leave it in there. I’ll add more next time. You see how the cycle goes. Maybe it’s just me and I’m an unorganised mess, which is actually quite possible.

5. You’ll be a music box

Yep. You’ll learn so many songs. Songs from videos, films, the radio, toys. And you’ll be made to sing them on repeat. The kids will also mention a specific part of a song and be livid if you get it wrong. Or if they can’t quite speak they’ll be very cross that you don’t know what “Summy, Summy, Summa” means.

6. You’ll eat weird bits of food

The human bin. If you hate waste it will break your heart when they ask for something only to leave it. You’ll very likely eat these leftovers. Half eaten toast for breakfast, yep. Dregs of someone’s cereal. Pass it here. Whole bowl of pasta right after my own dinner? I’ll fit it in.

7. You’ll always have something on your shoulder

Snot. Someones lunch. Tears.

8. You’ll be more sensitive

Before we had kids, I’m not sure I ever saw my husband cry. Since Ida’s birth, it doesn’t take much to set a tear in his eye. Once he was just thinking about Ida eating a cheese sandwich and he was welling up…

9. You always need to go to the shop

Nothing seems to last. My 2 year old can sink pints of milk in seconds. Nappies, wipes, bananas. It’s an endless shopping list.

10. You won’t poo in peace again

They might even offer to wipe your bum.

11. You’ll watch the same thing over, and over, and over again

You think you love Beauty and the Beast? Wait until you’ve watched it every day for 6 weeks.

12. You’ll have an enormous sense of pride over the smallest things

The first time Ida said a full sentence I was so proud. “No more date balls.” Not sure if she was telling me she’s sick of them or she was commenting that there were none left… But I was proud all the same.

13. Kids can be gross

Sometimes they’re sticky, dirty, dusty. Other times they eat your porridge and spit the bits they don’t like back in. Other times they sneeze in your face.

14. They’ll surprise you

You will tell them something for months, or maybe just once. Then they’ll randomly come out with it. Or you’ll say a word you never think they’d understand and the next week they use it in context. This wasn’t so great when Ida said, “Ida’s a knob head” age two. Not my finest parenting moment. Or Matts.

15. Your shopping bill will go up

Unless you just have a breastfeeding baby, your shopping bill is going up. Especially if you take the kids with you. I share some tips on how to save money in the weekly shop here.

16. You’ll spend a lot of time outside

Kids don’t care if it’s raining, or windy, or snowing, or hot. They just have this natural draw to the outside. To puddles. To mud. Enjoy the outside with free off-road walks in Oxfordshire.

17. You might loose your mind at bedtime

And you’ll shout. And then feel guilty. But we all do it. Bedtimes can be hard, especially when you’re hungry or have had a day of it. It’s also really hard to understand why they don’t want to go to bed when it’s all you want to do. Imagine someone giving you a lovely bedtime routine, maybe even a massage, then tickling you to sleep. IMAGINE? And they don’t want to do this? Here’s a quick read on how to keep calm at bedtime.

18. You’ll love so hard, so unconditionally, it hurts

Not everyone feels this rush of love right away. You might even feel a bit shell shocked. But when it comes, it comes over in a huge wave. You’d do anything for that person. There are absolutely no conditions for your love.

19. Your house will feel too small

Kids have loads of stuff. Clothes, toys, sticks that they can’t part with. They’re also quite weird about what they remember, so if you have a big charity clear out be sure they won’t ask for it next week. I usually put things in the loft for a month, if they don’t ask for it, I put it in the charity. Living in a small house? Me too. Here’s my life in a two bed with two kids, a husband, cat and dog.

20. You’ll learn to love routine

You might have started your parenthood thinking, they’ll just fit into my life. But trust me, when they get to walking and have opinions and parties and better social lives than you, you’ll fit into theirs… Routines are a Godsend. Kids love to know what’s coming next. Well mine do! And I love to know when they’ll be tucked up in bed!

21. You’ll have endurance you didn’t know you had

Endurance for hours at the park. Endurance for the start of a breastfeeding journey. Endurance for putting washing away. Folding washing. They say labour is an endurance event, and it is, but my God so is motherhood.

22. You’ll have a collection of rocks, snail shells, sticks or other treasure in your house

And you must, under no circumstances get rid!

23. You’ll find new friends

Your old friends will still be hugely important, but you might find new friends in motherhood. Maybe not from NCT, maybe not at the school gates. It might just be someone at the park who just gets you and your parenting. These might be people you’d have never crossed paths with if it wasn’t for kids. People who your kids love. Me and one of my good friends lived on the same street for 3 years before we spoke. Now I speak to her most days, and see her socially every week. We even run together. Through the kids we realised we have so much in common. These friendships are pretty special.

24. You’ll get poo on your hands

It’s a fact of parenting.

25. You’ll use a screen

And there’s no shame in it. A screen gives you a break. It allows you to make dinner or get something sorted. It buys you a little time to yourself.

And there are 25 things no one tells you about having kids.

Got more to add? Tell me! @Reviewsfromthemotherside on Insta. Or comment on my post.